SEX AND THIS CHRISTIAN

Sex and This Christian

Serious Christians today (2015) by and large see sex as good, beautiful and part of God’s creation. Even conservative Christians believe this. The rub comes in deciding how the sex is expressed. Liberal Christians want the freedom to express their sexuality freely.  Conservatives put boundaries on sexual expression. They want virginity until marriage. Masturbation and viewing pornography are considered bad. Homosexuality is sinful. Sex is ruled out for widows, widowers and adult unmarried people. Some groups prohibit birth control and abortion.

Jesus said nothing about specific sexual acts. St. Paul thought sex was to be controlled and urged Christians to marry. He also wrote things that seem to be anti-homosexual. As the Christian Church developed, its theology and ethics took on Greek notions that things of the spirit were good and things of the flesh were evil. The Roman, Eastern Orthodox and Reformed churches took on this duality. Abstinence, celibacy of the clergy and rigid demands of marriage became commonplace. Virginity and marriage were controlled because they were tied up with inheritances of land and money. The Reformers did allow the clergy to marry. All of this evolved over centuries and influences many churches today.

In our Anglican and Episcopal tradition, clergy and lay people make their own decisions on how to be a Christian and how to express our sexuality. I was born in 1931 and grew up thinking masturbation, pre-marital sex and homosexuality were sins. I knew homosexuals and people who had sex and were not married. It never occurred to me to treat them in any way than with friendliness, consideration and love. I was a virgin until my wedding night in 1952 and so was my wife. I had masturbated, petted to orgasm and was delighted with my fantasies about sex. I felt vaguely guilty about this pre-marital sexual activity. When I married I vowed full faithful monogamy to my wife and she did to me.

My wife and I adjusted well to our new sex life. We put off having children until after I graduated from seminary. From the earliest days of my marriage I noticed that I was sexually attracted to other women. I held my sexual attractions in check. We had three daughters whom we cherished. After seven years of marriage I began a series of adulterous affairs starting in New York and continuing in San Francisco where we moved in 1962.

What was I thinking? First, I just felt guilty and tormented, but went on having sex with other women. Discussions of a new morality were in the air in the 1960s were. Sexual love should be expressed should be expressed. Sex is a way of sharing love. Jealousy was out and old fashioned. Husband and wife sharing was said to be commonplace. The church should change its attitudes, which no longer applied. The church did not change much. Divorce for lay people and clergy became accepted. The rules about abortion were relaxed in the Episcopal Church. Homosexual sex became more accepted.

My wife and I divorced in 1969. For eleven years I was a bachelor in San Francisco and had many women lovers. I have never been attracted sexually to men. I enjoyed those days. I did not want to marry again. My ethical principle was to enjoy my sexuality, be loving and caring with the women and live in the moment. I had no trouble ethically with having lots of sex and not being married.

I took good care of my daughters, visiting with them corresponding, by letter and telephone and having them with me for a month in the summers. I paid all my financial responsibilities for child support.

In 1981 I was elected rector of Trinity Church, San Francisco. Fortunately, I met and soon married Ann. It seemed wise that I was married while pastor to a congregation. Ann and I pledged full faithful monogamy to each other. I am terribly jealous of even a hint of her having sex or even sexual feelings toward other men. Ann is also concerned about my relationship with other women. We have been faithful for the almost 32 years of our marriage. (Writing this in May of 2015)

I have no deep religious or theological feelings about my behavior. It is all rather practical. My life works best now being in a full faithful relationship with Ann. I am not trying to please God or Jesus or live by a doctrine.

I am glad that I come from the religious tradition of the Ten Commandments. They are part of what shaped who I am. Fortunately, I believe in forgiveness after I have blundered into sin and evil. I am happy with who I am formed by my religious and Christian traditions.