As I have said many times I fear the development of the notion of spirituality has been a way to avoid the religious person’s contact and involvement with the issues of the world, social action, justice and radical change. It doesn’t have to be that way as the great social leaders like King, Tutu, Dorothy Day, Dom Helder Camera, slain Archbishop Rivera had and have a strong life of prayer that they say sustain them.
My prayer life has always been haphazard. I have tried to meditate in many ways and settings and fall asleep, think of sex or when can the damned silence end? Mike Murphy, founder of Esalen Institute has said people are meditating all the time and don’t necessarily call it that.
There is a great emphasis these days on the virtues of silence, emptying the mind and quieting the “monkey mind.” Who says god does not speak to us through the monkey mind? There is the line in the Old Testament about hearing God’s still soft voice. I had an OT professor that translated that as a “crashing stillness.” What I get from quieting my mind and silence is sleep. I have friends who testify about the “high” they get by meditating and having almost out of the body experiences. I rejoice for them but that is not for me nor for many people who just are not wired to pray and meditate in that particular and peculiar way.
I like a lot of time alone and do a certain amount of staring off into space and just let my thoughts flow. When I stand at the Vigil for peace and Justice, I often pray for the troops and the people they kill. I usually think of hostile and mean thoughts about the president, King George the Bush. It is very hard for me to think healing thoughts that he might change.
I pray on the run, for people and issues that I come to mind as I listen to the car radio, swimming my laps at the pool and walking and shopping and cooking.
I think of the intense pleasure of orgasm when mind is focused on pleasure, the mutual pleasure of lovers. To use the Buddhist expression, I sense an oneness with my wife and the universe, and I am not sure of the universe.
I get little pleasure from the outdoors and nature. It is amusing to be in it for a while and the air usually smells good. But I’d rather be home reading, listening to music and writing. I am even envious of Ann. who loves to hike, watch the birds, enjoy the color of the Ocean and feel the breezes. It is OK for me in small doses until I can get home again.
I envy the simple piety of people who can love Jesus, sing the corny hymns, feel the spirit and have a sense of open joy. Not me. I have a romantic notion of the cowled monks and nuns in monasteries worshipping long hours in smoke filled rooms wafting their prayers upward to the ground of all being. But I can’t see myself in such an atmosphere for more than ten minutes.
I do like to look at photographs of my children and grandchildren and I do pray that they are well and continue to be so. I do utter a quick prayer for people when they aske me to do so. I pray for friends and family who are sick and in need.
I have pretty much given up reading the Bible. I know the stories, psalms and gospels so well that I find few new inspirations coming from them. I find the lessons in church services tedious.
I gave up the daily office years ago, especially the saying the little ditties called venite and jubilate, nunc, mag, etc as boring tedious and tiresome. I occasionally like to go to evensong in a cathedral or great church for the sound and sense of worship there, but only as a special treat from time to time.
I do like to take communion with my brothers and sisters of all stripes and colors and conditions. I think of Jesus and his mission and sacrifice. I think of my family, the great Christians of the faith and the saints not of the church like Gandhi, I am in communion with. The everlasting wordiness of the consecration prayers gets on my nerves. Just bless the bread and wine dammit and let’s get on with it. Why do we have to hear the whole story of creation and redemption in order to hear Jesus simple words of the institution?
There are all kinds of ways of praying, I know that. Ann and I do say grace at dinner and I continually give thanks for all the blessings and wonders of this life, and I do this on the run too.
I resent having to pray every time we go to church meeting, clergy conference. I hate having to go to the Eucharist at every confirmation, bishop’s visitation or any time Christians gather.
I have given myself permission to enjoy the prayer life as I live it. I cannot get excited about all the present palaver about the importance of the spiritual life. With all the people I hear about that are spiritual, who meditate, read the daily offices, belong to prayer and healing groups, I see the world the same, old, sweet, miserable, sinful place God has given us to live in. The so-called spiritual renaissance has done little to bring peace and harmony to the world.
So go ahead and pray up a storm, but stop lauding the prayer life as better than another kind of life. I suspect this too will pass like the hot fads of the past like Christian Education, Group Life labs and religious, evangelistic crusades designed to change the church and world.
I can’t wait.