We Die Not Pass Away
Long before I retired I
thought a lot about death. I asked a friend about why am I thinking so much
about death. She wisely pointed out that in those years 1989-94, I was pastor
to dying young men who had HIV disease. At Trinity during those years we
conducted funerals for 75 men between 25-35 who had contracted AIDS. Death was
in front of me every day.
Her remarks put my thinking
about death in some perspective. Yet I still thought about death a lot. I wrote
about it my journal. The thoughts did not interfere with my work or love life.
In fact I rather enjoyed thinking about death and dying.
I became intrigued with the
funeral business after I was ordained. I became rector of the Church of the
Holy Nativity in the Bronx, New York. Lyle Knittel was the church funeral
director. Not many churches have such a person, but Lyle had been there long
before I came. Many members, not all, used his services to remove, prepare and
bury the dead family members and friends. Many times we conducted funerals
together.
Jessica Mitford’s book The American Way of Death was published
in the 1950s. It was an expose of funeral practices that often bilked the
grieving into spending vast amounts of money on needless funeral services. Lyle
of course was offended but I though she was right.
I also read the works of Thomas
Lynch, Funeral Director and poet. The
Undertaking: Life Studies from the Dismal Trade is a wonderful look at death and
funerals. He is funny yet serious about taking death seriously and not hiding
from it.
I once
told Richard Turley my parish administrator at Trinity, never to use the words
passed away, departed, fell asleep or any other such abomination in mailings
from the church. When you die, you die.
I
adhere to the usual clichés. I am not afraid of dying but I do fear suffering.
Put me out of my misery. Ann and I have signed the usual papers to allow
doctors to let me die if there is not hope of a decent life. I am more than
happy to have doctors rid me of misery even if he or she does something
illegal.
As a
life long Christian I believe there is life after death. As a life long product
of the scientific and logical positivist world, I have no concrete evidence
that there is life after death. I like the Book of Common Prayer notion
that there is “a sure and certain hope” in a resurrection and new life after
death. I hope there is. Wouldn’t it be fun to see my dad and mom again?
I have
visited Sullivan’s Funeral Home on Market Street in San Francisco. I told Mr.
Sullivan the funeral director of my wishes. When I die, I want my body taken to
the funeral home and refrigerated, not embalmed. If my daughters and brother
wish to journey to San Francisco from the East Coast to attend the funeral, the
funeral will be held with in a week or so of my death.
My
body will be placed in an inexpensive wooden casket. At the funeral the casket
will be taken to St. John’s Church, San Francisco. There a pall will be placed
over the casket and taken into the nave of the church. There will be a full
choral liturgy, with incense and hymns chosen by me. The preacher will be the
present Vicar of St. John’s. If he is not available, my wife Ann will choose
the preacher. My body is to be cremated and the ashes scattered in the garden
at St. John’s.
So
many people are so frightened of death they cannot even make a will. I for one
try to look at my death seriously. Making a will and a plan for the funeral and
disposal of my body makes me more comfortable with my death. I think it is also
a responsible thing to do so my family and friends are not burdened with that chore.
