TOWARD A NEW MONOGAMY Rough Draft
Here is a
question that must be faced by the Episcopal Church and all Christian churches.
You must
have sex only with your husband or wife is the assumption we make when we vow “…forsaking
all others, be faithful to her/him as log as you both shall live?”
We live in
a world where new cultures have emerged. Some people today allow that they and
their spouse may be sexual with others where there is mutual agreement to do
so. To be clear, many partners mutually agree to allow their partners and
themselves to be sexual with others.
The
traditional Christian vow to strict monogamy was to ensure that the children
born of the woman were the legitimate offspring of the husband. This had to do
with inheritance of estates, money and lines of authority for royalty. It had
nothing to do with the solidity, moral or sexual purity of the relationship
between husband and wife. Married men and women from Biblical and times
immemorial have had lovers other than their spouses.
A new monogamy
means the vow that “I will be with you forever and we may choose to be with
other sexual partners when there is mutual consent to do so.” Adultery is when
one enters into other sexual relationships WITHOUT the other partner’s consent.
The church
has entered a new world. Look at the
changes we have already made. In Biblical times, polygamy was practiced among
ancient Jews; think Kings Saul, David and Solomon.
In Europe
and England, Christian royalty and ruling classes, men and women, as a rule,
had sex with other people than their spouses. American Christian politicians,
business people and celebrities of stage and screen have regularly married and
then have carried on with others, including multiple divorces and remarrying.
Most Christian
churches except the Roman Catholics allow for divorce. The vow to be partners and faithful until
death is easily broken, rightly.
Today in some
Africa priests of the Anglican Communion have multiple wives. I dare say that some Anglican and Episcopal
Clergy already engage in open marriages where with mutual permission, each
partner may have sex with other partners. Only recently Blacks and whites may
marry each other legally. We allow divorced clergy to remarry, where it was
unthinkable fifty years ago.
In the
1920s the Episcopal General Convention decried birth control. In the 1930s the
church said it was a responsible action for married people. Abortion is now
approved under strict circumstances. We need to look forward to new ways of
regarding marriage as customs and cultures evolve.
There was a
time Christians said God and the Bible proclaim monogamy is the only right way
to behave in marriage. Leafing through my Bible, commentaries and remembering
my theological education, I cannot find the word of God establishing monogamy.
Of course
St. Paul wrote about marriage.
"But I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and
the head of the woman is man, and the head of Christ is God. Every man who
prays or prophesies with his head covered dishonors his head. But every woman
who prays or prophesies with her head uncovered dishonors her head—it is the
same as having her head shaved. For if a woman does not cover her head, she
might as well have her hair cut off; but if it is a disgrace for a woman to
have her hair cut off or her head shaved, then she should cover her head. A man
ought not to cover his head, since he is the image and glory of God; but woman
is the glory of man. For man did not come from woman, but woman from man; neither
was man created for woman, but woman for man."[1 Cor. 11:3–9]
I suspect
his views on women, men and marriage do not constitute a humane view of
marriage and monogamy. Nor what most Christians take seriously as coming from
God but a very human Jewish man trying to organize the church.
The idea of monogamy was the product of the
church and society well after the time of Jesus.
Divorce was
once fiercely opposed because of deleterious affects on children and their
nurture. There is scant evidence that children of divorced families fare worse
than children from unbroken homes. Children have learned to adapt to fathers, stepfathers,
mothers, stepmothers, and step grandparents rather well. Children of same sex
parents are quite used to having two mothers or two fathers.
The
argument that open marriage weakens traditional marriage is similar to the
discussion that same sex marriages threaten heterosexual marriage. There is
absolutely no proof that traditional monogamous families will be damaged by
such allowances.
Also
monogamy may fit the personality of some people but not others. People really
are different. When young people marry they expect to be monogamous. Some find
after a few years, they want other partners.
Some people
marry expecting lifelong monogamy get divorced and have a period of having a
number of partners. When they marry
again late in life, they are happy to be monogamous.
Another
difference between people is sex drive. Some people have high sex drives and
want sex several times a day. Other people are content with once a week. When
most people marry they have a lot of sex in the first few months or year and it
tapers off. But, sometimes it may taper off for the man but the woman may want
more sex and more often. This is also true of homosexuals. Sexual drives varies
from person to person.
Now that homosexuals
can marry, they bring a whole new cultural ethos into marriage. Many lesbians
and gay men have had open relationships. Even when they choose to marry in
church or state, there are differences they may bring to their marriage. Some
LGBT people want to be monogamous and others want to be in or continue to be in
open relationship. That should be and is their personal choice.
Some will
say married clergy, whether LGBT or straight should live To a higher standard.
This really means clergy should not be free to enjoy the sex life they choose,
but he one defined by ecclesiastical rule.
I think clergy and lay people need to exercise the freedom of their own
conscience about their sexual behavior as long as the couples are in
agreement in that behavior.
It is interesting that the Episcopal Church has never taken
a stand on pre-marital sex, sex for divorced people, sex for unmarried homosexuals
or masturbation. It is just as well as I think bishops, priests, deacons and lay
people need to keep their noses out of other people’s bedrooms.
We need to
look straight in the eye the fact that many devout Christians, clergy and lay, bring
differences of attitude and behavior that challenge traditional views of what
constitutes the traditional vows in a marriage.
The Reverend Robert Warren Cromey
Robert Warren Cromey
Copyright 2013
All Rights Reserved
